Internet, I have an amazing culinary breakthrough to share with you. I have re-engineered a classic childhood dish into something leaner, meaner, and less meaty than it was before. Let me tell you all about it.
When I was a younger Steve, and dinner was still a thing that was cooked by my parents, we had a product that came in a tin can. It was not quite a seasoning, but neither was it a condiment. It was simply:
MANWICH.
I'm positive this product still exists in the States (where I'm from), but I'm not sure it exists here in Canada (though the French on the label would indicate that it does), so I'll do my best to explain.
MANWICH was/is a red, almost ketchupy substance. Unlike ketchup, it has a runny, watery consistency. It's also much saltier than ketchup, and a little spicier.
What you do with MANWICH is basically pour the whole can on top of a pound of sauteed ground beef. The MANWICH sauce--true to its name--surrounds, dominates, and subjugates the bland cow particles until they congeal into a wet, tangy, lumpy, reddish substance. Then the substance gets ladled onto hamburger buns, just like in the picture, and the resulting dish is called Sloppy Joes.
So yes, this meal is full of bad nomenclature from start to finish.
I hadn't thought about MANWICH or Sloppy Joes for about ten years until earlier tonight, when I found myself with leftover Yves Veggie Ground Round and a couple hamburger buns. I also had some marinara sauce.
Guided by some kind of sense memory (they say aroma, in particular, is almost impossible to forget), I sauteed up some sweet onions, dumped in the rest of my veggie ground round, poured the marinara on top, added some chili powder and cumin, and then heated the whole concoction through and put it on my hamburger bun, on top of some alfalfa sprouts.
Internet, I shit you not: it was like eating a MANWICH clone. Not a perfect MANWICH clone, but a genetically-enhanced, steroidal MANWICH clone. A SUPERMAN-WICH, if you will. And it was completely meat-free, vegan, and all that.
So good. And it got me thinking: What if there were restaurants that served nothing but vegetarian, handmade adult-oriented renditions of childhood comfort food for low prices, in lunch counter settings? That would be incredible.
I'm calling my invention the KUPFERMANWICH. If you make one, and refer to it by any other name, I will take you to court.
